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March 11, 2009 Posted by MJ Taylor in Inside Gay Porn, Special Reports

Moving On (MJ Taylor Special)

mjtmainIt all started when I left to attend the White Party in Palm Springs. What an amazing weekend that was. A few short hours before my flight home to Ohio, the newly discovered Cockyboy from the Cockyboys.com model search that weekend, Cameron Adams,  gave me a spontaneous invite to Vegas and without a second thought I hopped in the car. Living in Vegas was a w e s o m e. I had a crew of really great friends, a cool place to live, it just so happened at that time when I was arriving to Vegas, one of Cameron's roommates was moving out. It was perfect timing. I stayed there for about two months, working on Rentboy.com, dancing, and filming with Cockyboys.com. I really remember saying to my friends who were all Cockyboys, "I'm having the time of my life." That is until May 1st. Gay Pride kicked off and I was booked to dance at Piranha Nightclub. That morning I had a voicemail from my best friend's sister frantically telling me her sister's house is on fire and she's stuck inside. I immediately called my best friend's cellphone where a lady answered the phone and proceeded to tell me that Tabby was in ICU at the local county hospital and she's brain dead. I immediately felt like a thousand different pieces of me died. I dropped from one of my highest points in my life down to rock bottom. Anything that was at all important at the time, or special, all my goals, had all vanished. Nothing mattered. Seriously, nothing. I was completely angry at myself and mostly at her. Of course I was devastated. I don't even really know how to describe it. Me and her had some big plans. I wouldn't even know where to begin to start with what we had in store. Not that it would matter anyway because it is no longer an option. I had to come up with new options. I feel like I was always trying to save her. But I just always failed. I could always be there to have a solution to a problem but it was never a permanent fix. She was sick with addiction to drugs, abuse, sex, alcohol which were all things she thrived on to survive. The way she grew up made her think the abuse was necessary and the drugs and the alcohol came along to make it all absent. Her Dad and her boyfriend are the two biggest drug dealers in town. You can't really help too much in that situation. Her Dad died and her boyfriend got sent to prison which gave her a chance at freedom and took away the drugs.

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Tabby was living with me three weeks prior to me going to California but one morning at 3a.m., my house was full of smoke because the kitchen had caught on fire. I kicked her out after that because one of my main rules was don't come home drunk out of your mind or fucked up on drugs. That's where I made my first mistake because instead of trying to help more, I punished her. I didn't know what to do though - I wanted to help her, but I can't let her burn down my house because she's passed out drunk. Don't get me wrong, I didn't abandon her, I still tried to help. I just didn't have any of the things she thrived for. The night before she died, I texted her and said I was coming home in a few weeks to get some more clothes and that I wanted to bring her back with me to Vegas. Have you ever felt like you were so close and then have it all ripped away from you?

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After the funeral, I did fly back to Vegas but it just didn't feel the same anymore. I'm not very religious, but one day, a man came up to me in the city and said, "God told me that I have to tell you that he saw her future and it wasn't going to be any better than her past, so he took her." That brought a lot of closure but didn't take away any of the loss and still lets me know that no matter what I would have done, I was going to fail. So although it was closure, it wasn't comforting. This is where I start to lose my way. I left Vegas and flew back to Ohio and then to Davenport, Iowa. I ended up in Malone, Illinois shacking up with some rapper, and then back to Ohio. I then went to LA for Gay Pride, where I stayed in Beverly Hills for a month, then back to Ohio to sit at her grave for her 21st birthday. I left again to Fort Lauderdale for a few months, then I went out to Delray beach, and I finally came to the conclusion to go home, stay home, and face it. Shortly after getting home, I flew to New Orleans to film The Big Easy. Then shortly after getting home from The Big Easy, I met a boy and things started looking up. I've had a lot of time to deal and let things go and I formed some new dreams and definitely have come a long way. I flew back to Las Vegas last month to get some things in order, oddly enough I got a place right around the corner from where I lived before. On Saturday morning, our four month anniversary, me and Jesse, are sticking it all in the car and driving across country to start out in Vegas. I definitely think four months is way too soon for people to start living together as a couple. It's definitely rushing things, and it may not last, but this is now and I'm not doing a cross country relationship, and I'm not living in Ohio, so it's either get left behind or stick together. Frankly, I'm kind of tired of meeting these people and forming bonds and relationships, and then having to part ways. You invest all this time and then get left with nothing. At least we're doing something, going somewhere, and are chasing after the things we want. We're definitely not chasing the same dream, in fact, they are vastly different. So whether this works or not, at least I'm getting back on track and not holding back. I definitely don't plan on letting anything stand in my way and I'll never let something as tragic as that was affect my life so dramatically when it's not necessary. You've got to keep pushin' on.

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Tags: Cameron Adams, closure, CockyBoys.com, death, Las Vegas, MJ Taylor, Nevada, rentboy.com, tragedy
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